The Whistling Woodshop Poetry

The Whistling Woodshop presents the worlds worst woodwork poetry

While it is true that anyone can write a poem, this does not guarantee that the words you scribble together will be remotely poetic.

This is undoubtedly true of all of my poems; none of them are good, and I am without a doubt the world’s worst excuse for a poet.

Becoming a true poet requires talent, and it entails much more than simply writing a few lines of verse that may or may not rhyme.

For some strange reason, I imagined that my love of woodworking could be channelled into some form of worthwhile poetry; I was wrong, so very wrong.

The Woodshop Harmony

Lots of Chipping and Chopping, the whole Woodshop was a Rocking,

The radio was blasting, the good times everlasting,

Or at least that’s what we certainly had thought.

The radio got axed as the boss let us face facts,

Our Woodwork was so lacking, that someone would cop a sacking,

But who would wear the Boss’s big right foot?

So we all got together, close knit birds of a feather,

And we fixed up every lacking woodwork job.

We turned the thing around that made our old boss frown,

Then we felt so proud when the radio was back on loud.

The Woodshop was back in Tune and good time songs filled the room,

The woodworkers rejoiced as our praises we often voiced,

Yep, we turned the thing around that made the old boss frown.

Darling Downs Woodworker

As the sun rises over the glorious Darling Downs,

Our Woodshop opens and the wind whistles around,

The train rattles the tracks as it passes by,

It’s a beautiful day and none would question why.

The Table Saw starts up & the sawdust flies,

Johno fires up the drum sander and starts feeding it pine,

We’re in the middle of spring and it was a day to remember.

Our new router turns up free of charge from the sender,

The sender was a client that liked the job we did for his Mum,

He thought we did beautiful work and wanted to be a grateful Son.

Any day in the Woodshop is good day, no question there,

Better than Fishing when there’s no fish left to snare.

Don't mess with Waddy Wood

I was trying to carve with Waddy Wood,

The only wood in the world you never should.

It is the hardest on this big blue globe,

There’s plenty of people that still don’t know,

Trying to carve with Waddy Wood will make you cry,

You’ll destroy all your tools before you understand why.

So please take this advice, as I’m not taking the piss,

Waddy Wood is the hardest, so just give it a miss.

If you like to carve or whittle most of your designs,

Leave Waddy Wood in the rack and you’ll be fine.

Late night in the Woodshop

It’s late and I’m on my ‘Pat Malone’ in the Woodshop,

I glance at the clock and I wish I could stop,

I promised the boss I’d finish this job today,

Whether I will or not, I’m still unable to say.

It’s a pretty big job and I’m making it out of Oak,

My favourite wood and the client is a decent bloke,

I opened my mouth and said it would be done today,

Put your brain into gear before you open your mouth is what they say.

I’ll learn from this one and here’s the thing,

Next time they ask ‘how long?’ I’ll say, “How long is a bit of string”.

The Woodworking Life

Learning Woodwork has been all the haste,

Since we learnt cooking meat improved the taste,

DIY has been the go since Sunday Footy stole the show,

If embracing wood makes you feel great,

Then being a woodworker will set you straight mate.

Don’t dilly dally around, learn woodwork and you will astound,

But don’t be a clown, there’s no room for fooling around.

Woodwork is not possible without Trees,

So plant a few hundred when you can please.

Your woodwork projects might be your job,

But you are also a part of the whole woodworking mob,

Help those who struggle the most and your good heart they will toast.

Woodcarving is for everyone

Woodcarving’s a skill that provides us with sculptures,

You scrape away the block to create artistic structures,

You can do it with a chisel or even a chainsaw,

Some designs are so great your jaw will be found on the floor.

You need to use wood of the right hardness and texture,

Which makes lots of sense, no need for me to lecture,

Do it by hand using a sharp cutting tool,

When learning you’ll get it wrong but that’s not un-cool.

Learn it with a friend and go to night school,

When you become a skilled carver, you friends will all drool.

The Whittling Wood Duck

A Wood Duck walked into our Woodshop one day,

Whistling & Singing about the month of May.

He whittled all day and had little to say,

His skills were great & he never stayed too late,

As he talked no smack, we hoped he would come back.

He returned 6 months later and his legs were much straighter,

This Wood Duck now stood 6 inches taller,

Which made young Smithy seem so much smaller.

He carved a figurine from Basswood, then offered it as a gift as only he could,

He had style and class and woodwork skills that should last,

Better than most we’d entertained in the past.

The wordology of Pyrography

Pyrography is an art form for both women and men,

It includes burning wood with a heated metal pen.

It’s a creative method that requires a steady hand,

You need the right wood grain, you should understand.

Talented sketchers adorn wood to create something fine,

Basswood is often used to showcase your design,

You could also use Maple which will work perfectly fine.

An artistic form of Woodwork that I hope you might learn,

Beautiful creations from causing wood to burn.

Woodworking beginners guide to shine

Are you passionate about woodwork and wanting to learn more,

Then woodshop adventures and what you yearn for.

Measure twice with your tape and then run it through the saw,

Get your hands on a Router for nicely finished edges you’ll adore.

Just go step by step and you’ll get better every day,

Quality Woodwork needs patience in every way.

A good tip for beginners when it comes to hand tools,

Is to simply keep them sharp as it’s one of the rules.

Use the right lumber and your projects will shine,

Finish off with some bees wax to withstand the test of time.

Jacko is a Whacko

There was sawdust flying in the woodshop and it could not be ignored,

None of Jacko’s projects looked like anything on the board.

If Jacko is a woodworker, than I’m ball of twine,

He’s as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike and the boss thinks that’s fine.

Jacko’s woodwork stuff ups always seem to end up mine,

I can’t tolerate this situation for any longer stretch of time.

I’ll be flat to the boards and he’s out the back with a coffee,

One day the boss will sack him and then won’t look so cocky.

Jacko being in a woodshop is a waste of time and trees,

He seems to think of hard work as some form of disease.

I think the boss’s eyes must be only painted on his head,

Either that or he thinks it’s funny how Jacko gets me seeing red.

Well I’ve vented my spleen and now you know the score,

Maybe one day Jacko ends up being shown the ruddy door.

Here's a mixed back of terrible poems.

Once upon a time, in the heart of Daintree, Lived a left-handed woodworker, as skilled as can be.

But surrounded by trees, oh, what a plight! For cutting them down was strictly forbidden, try as he might.

In the middle of the forest, he set up his shop, Crafting beautiful furniture, from bottom to top.

But the lack of materials made him blue, with no way to source them, what was he to do?

To the hardware store, he had to drive, A treacherous journey, oh, how he’d strive.

Three hundred kilometres, each and every time, to find the tools and wood, a true uphill climb.

But little did he know, his trips would unfold, into wild woodworking adventures, so I’m told.

His friend Jacko, a bloke with bad dentures, always managed to turn their trips into a crazy woodworking adventures.

Jacko was actually a pretty good poet, but because he’s a whacko, he didn’t ever know it.

Here’s a few of Jacko’s poetry attempts:

Poem 1: The Misadventures of a Woodworking Duo Oh.

The left-handed woodworker and Jacko, his mate, off to the hardware store, their fate they’d debate. But no matter how hard they tried to stay on track, Jacko’s wild ideas would always attack.

Poem 2: The Tale of the Talking Tree In the forest.

They stumbled upon a peculiar sight, a tree that could talk, oh, what a delight! It offered them advice on woodworking so fine, But Jacko, being Jacko, saw it as a sign.

Poem 3: The Woodworking Wizard’s Curse At the store.

They met a wizard, full of tricks, who cursed their tools to play pranks and flicks. The woodworker’s saw would dance and twirl, While Jacko’s hammer would laugh and hurl.

Poem 4: The Woodland Creatures’ Workshop Deep in the forest.

They discovered a secret place, where woodland creatures had their own woodworking space. With squirrels carving chairs and birds building nests, they joined in the fun, forgetting their quests.

Poem 5: There once was a woodworker from Woomera, Who built a chair that was quite a terror. It wobbled and shook, and with one little look, the chair fell apart, oh what an error!

Poem 6: There once was a woodworker named Jack, Who built a table that wouldn’t stay flat. He tried and he tried, but the table just sighed, and said “I’m not meant to be looking like that!”

Poem 7: There once was a woodworker named Fred, Who built a birdhouse in his rather large shed. But when he was done, the birds had no fun, for the house was upside down instead!

Poem 8: There once was a woodworker named Bill, Who built a chair that wouldn’t sit still. It rocked and it rolled, and with one little fold, the chair fell apart, oh what a thrill!

Poem 9: There once was a woodworker named Tom, Who built a house that was quite a bomb. It creaked and it groaned, and with one little moan, the house fell apart, oh what a con!

Poem 10: There once was a woodworker named Pete, Who built a bench that was quite a feat. It stood up so tall, and with one little call, the bench fell apart, oh what a treat!

Poem 11: There once was a woodworker named Dan, Who built a table that wouldn’t stand. It wobbled and shook, and with one little look, the table fell apart, oh what a sham!

Poem 12: There once was a woodworker named Ray, Who built a birdhouse that wouldn’t stay. It fell to the ground, And with one little sound, the birds flew away, oh what dismay!

Poem 13: There once was a woodworker named Lee, Who built a boat that wouldn’t flee. It sank to the bottom, And with one little problem, the fish swam away, oh what a spree!

Poem 14: There once was a woodworker named Jim, Who built a chair that was quite slim. It broke in two, and with one little boo, the chair fell apart, oh what a whim!